Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
