Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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