you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
