That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
