omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
