wanna go halves on a baby?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
