We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
