I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
