why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
