Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
