You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
