hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
