All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The ass gains better be worth it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
