Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
this just has baby written all over it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
