that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
