she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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