Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
