I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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