Cold hands, warm shart.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
