So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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