I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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