there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
