tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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