Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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