why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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