I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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