She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
