What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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