I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
