everyone is single if you try hard enough
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he laminated a picture of his dick.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
