Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
