why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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