Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
