he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
