Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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