Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
high people should be assigned attendants
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
