I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
