the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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