I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
