Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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