A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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