I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
