The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
