mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
