I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
