i would punch a child for taco bell
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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