The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
