Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
