i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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