I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
