I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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