Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I am available for nakedness
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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